That line — "it wasn't like the book I'd been reading had been taken out of my hands... it was like the book I had been was ripped out of my head" — is one of the most precise descriptions of identity loss I've encountered. Not the story you're following. The story you are. That distinction carries the whole essay.
So, you were "between the devil and the deep blue sea," -- "suspended between heaven and hell." At least for Catholics in purgatory, you could be cleansed. So many people don't make enough to pay the rent, but too much for public assistance. These intermediate, indeterminate states can surely wear a person down. Which is my overly pedantic way of saying, "That sure sucks!"
I haven't been in treatment for 18 years so I don't think anyone else will be finding much. I do the finding. Thank you so much for caring and for reading and for your words.
Thank you. Deeply grateful for your words.
There was a cognitive Catch-22. I was both too screwed up to get help -- and not screwed up enough.
I had to re-read a few times, I think I get it - what I really get is how you, Judith, are amazing and brave.
As Martin Luther would say in his catechism, “This is most certainly true!”
Despite all of your challenges, you are still a brilliant writer. ❤️
Thank you. Deeply grateful to you.
I just wolfed that one down. Whole. It fed me. I’ll go back now and serve myself again.
Thank you. Deeply grateful for your words.
That line — "it wasn't like the book I'd been reading had been taken out of my hands... it was like the book I had been was ripped out of my head" — is one of the most precise descriptions of identity loss I've encountered. Not the story you're following. The story you are. That distinction carries the whole essay.
So, you were "between the devil and the deep blue sea," -- "suspended between heaven and hell." At least for Catholics in purgatory, you could be cleansed. So many people don't make enough to pay the rent, but too much for public assistance. These intermediate, indeterminate states can surely wear a person down. Which is my overly pedantic way of saying, "That sure sucks!"
💋
Now you've got me wondering who would play you in the movie version of your very own Catch-22.
Are you ready for your close up?
If anything you are not screwed up. Transcendent, maybe, but not screwed up.
beautiful description of your paradox. hope that a solution is found soon. we are all rooting for you.
I haven't been in treatment for 18 years so I don't think anyone else will be finding much. I do the finding. Thank you so much for caring and for reading and for your words.
Just as if you were Dorothy - the Wizard didn’t really help her either…
I once told my very competitive friend Lenny, that I thought I was the most screwed up person I know. To which he replied “no you’re not I am”.
To which I replied, “on the other hand, I think I’m the most sane person I know”.
To which he replied “no you’re not I am.”
He still denies being competitive however.
You don’t have to be hit by a truck to be wacky. But you do wondrous things with your wackiness.